It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
