I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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