Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
