she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
