I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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