He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
