I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
