you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
