I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
