no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
