Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
