I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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