My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I need moral support for this bender
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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