Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
