I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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