I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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