do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
