it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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