This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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