Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
