we have officially lost it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
