Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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