I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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