I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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