I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
