i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
