I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
