wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
