My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize