my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
