I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
