do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
