Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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