Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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