I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
