they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
