hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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