And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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