Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
