I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
