I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
