I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Who did Billy Mays play for?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
A bitchslap is in order.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
