i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
