***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
