More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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