Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
