Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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