So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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