my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
