Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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