you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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