Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
