The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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