So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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