Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
