he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
