Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
