She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
