life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
